Kazza
New Member
Lesson 1
>A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is
>finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The
>wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs
>downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob,
>the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob
>says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel." After
>thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
>stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob
>hands her £800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in
>the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to
>the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It
>was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
>"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about
>the £800 he owes me?"
>Moral of the story:
>If you share critical information pertaining to credit
>and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in
>a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
>Lesson 2
>A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed
>her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest
>nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he
>stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,
>"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his
>hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
>her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father,
>remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised "Sorry
>sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the
>convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at
>the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
>It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find
>glory."
>Moral of the story:
>If you are not well informed in your job, you might
>miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3
>A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager
>are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil
>lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie
>says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." Me first!
>Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
>Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the
>world." Puff! She's gone. Me next! Me next!" says
>the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on
>the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
>of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's
>gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
>The manager says, "I want those two back in the office
>after lunch."
>Moral of the story:
>Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
>An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
>A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I
>also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered:
>"Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground
>below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox
>appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
>Moral of the story:
>To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
>very, very high up.
Lesson 5
>A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be
>able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the
>turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why
>don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the
>bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey
>pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave
>him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the
>tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he
>reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth
>night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of
>the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who
>shot him out of the tree.
>Moral of the story:
>BullSh!t might get you to the top, but it won't keep
>you there.
Lesson 6
>A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was
>so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a
>large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by
>and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay
>there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how
>warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
>He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to
>sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird d singing
>and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat
>discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
>promptly dug him out and ate him.
>Morals of the story:
>(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy
>(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend
>(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep
>your mouth shut!
This ends the 3-minute management course
>A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is
>finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The
>wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs
>downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob,
>the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob
>says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel." After
>thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
>stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob
>hands her £800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in
>the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to
>the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It
>was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
>"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about
>the £800 he owes me?"
>Moral of the story:
>If you share critical information pertaining to credit
>and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in
>a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
>Lesson 2
>A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed
>her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest
>nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he
>stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,
>"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his
>hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
>her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father,
>remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised "Sorry
>sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the
>convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at
>the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
>It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find
>glory."
>Moral of the story:
>If you are not well informed in your job, you might
>miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3
>A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager
>are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil
>lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie
>says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." Me first!
>Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
>Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the
>world." Puff! She's gone. Me next! Me next!" says
>the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on
>the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
>of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's
>gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
>The manager says, "I want those two back in the office
>after lunch."
>Moral of the story:
>Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
>An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
>A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I
>also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered:
>"Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground
>below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox
>appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
>Moral of the story:
>To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
>very, very high up.
Lesson 5
>A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be
>able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the
>turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why
>don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the
>bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey
>pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave
>him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the
>tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he
>reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth
>night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of
>the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who
>shot him out of the tree.
>Moral of the story:
>BullSh!t might get you to the top, but it won't keep
>you there.
Lesson 6
>A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was
>so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a
>large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by
>and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay
>there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how
>warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
>He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to
>sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird d singing
>and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat
>discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
>promptly dug him out and ate him.
>Morals of the story:
>(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy
>(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend
>(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep
>your mouth shut!
This ends the 3-minute management course
