It's harder to come back here than I thought it would be

[Echoezra]

Hi guys. Did you miss me?
I finally got around to reinstalling Tapatalk on my cell so I could check in with you guys.

I know I havent been on much since I lost Trillian last summer, as it was really hard on me.
But I think I didn't know what hard was.
And I don't know if I'm going to be able to continue to read these forums any more.

A few weeks ago, I lost Zelig.
Lost him, outside. I had left him in his sunning cage when I went to work, and a storm came up which blew the cage door open. By the time I got home he was gone. I scoured the two small trees in my yard, my husband ripped out all the shrubbery along the side of the house, the only other answer was that he made it to the soybean fields next to my yard. I have spent many hours walking those fields trying deperately to find him but it was like a needle in a haystack.
I had been rapidly losing hope but I held out because the weather had warmed back up and stayed warm, and he had lots to eat, so i eased up on the searching, as i thought that maybe when the leaves dried up he'd stand out. They did - he didn't.
Hope continued to fade. But i thought i was dealing with it pretty well. I had finally stopped crying at work, I even rearranged the cages and borrowed his for Zaphod, using the other for my mantises. I thought that was a big step of moving on (but really I just couldnt stand looking at the empty cage any more.)
Anyway, I still held out hope that one sunny day I would just randomly see some blue peeking out of the dried up bean field.

The farmer finally came and harvested the field a few days ago.

I can't even begin to describe the feeling in my stomach when I saw that tractor in my rear view mirror after work.

It's been several days now. I just can't stop feeling horrible. I'm just going about my daily this or that and suddenly i'll remember. Oh yeah. That happened. And then it just spirals from there, to the other layers of guilt from other pet situations. Doesn't matter where I am, everything makes me think of him. Sigh.

So I guess now I've pretty much officially "lost" him lost him.

I came here tonight to write a nice you know memorial post about how sweet he was and I just can't. The tears..
and just all I keep thinking is the picture - that day, when I took him outside to the cage.. he looked exceptionally gorgeous when we got out into the sun. I actually stopped walking and just held him up a little bit higher out of my shadow and just gazed at him in awe, and said to him "wow. You look amazing today. Just amazing. You are so so beautiful, you know that? Just positively gorgeous." I was just amazed at how much he kept changing and getting more and more strikingly beautiful even though he had become fully grown so long ago.

And I didnt have my phone in my pocket. I thought about going back inside and getting it, to take his picture, to show you guys. But I thought no, don't confuse him going in and out and bug him with the camera, just let him enjoy this nice sunny day like you wanted him to -- you can take his picture tomorrow.

That would have been such a wonderful picture to remember him by.

Maybe some other day I won't be crying so much and can bear to write more personal words about him, especially describing his amazingly sweet personality.

In the meantime, please all of you go tell your chameleons how beautiful and wonderful they are, and hold them one more time and take their picture one more time... for Zelig. and I hope it's not the last.

 

[ferretinmyshoes]

Oh man, I am so sorry. I know how hard it can be to recover from something like that. I am sorry for your losses and you are always welcome on the forums.

 

[Echoezra]

Thanks ferret, for your kind words.

 

[ThatDigitalChameleon]

This is making my eyes water. Makes me feel so much while reading it.
I can only imagine how you feel, sorry this happened. I just wish i could come give you a hug and tell you everything will be okay.

I'm sure he appreciated all you did for him, and he loves you as much as you love him. Losing family is hard and, in time, wounds will heal.

 

[jannb]

I am very sorry for your losses. The way you lost Zelig and coming home to the tractor in the field had to be devastating. My heart goes out to you. I too have lost allot of my guys this past year. Most were all old at the same time with health issues and I lost 2 females with complications from eggs so I know just how hard it it. It takes awhile to be able to come back here and read the threads.

 

[laurie]

Hi guys. Did you miss me?
I finally got around to reinstalling Tapatalk on my cell so I could check in with you guys.

I know I havent been on much since I lost Trillian last summer, as it was really hard on me.
But I think I didn't know what hard was.
And I don't know if I'm going to be able to continue to read these forums any more.

A few weeks ago, I lost Zelig.
Lost him, outside. I had left him in his sunning cage when I went to work, and a storm came up which blew the cage door open. By the time I got home he was gone. I scoured the two small trees in my yard, my husband ripped out all the shrubbery along the side of the house, the only other answer was that he made it to the soybean fields next to my yard. I have spent many hours walking those fields trying deperately to find him but it was like a needle in a haystack.
I had been rapidly losing hope but I held out because the weather had warmed back up and stayed warm, and he had lots to eat, so i eased up on the searching, as i thought that maybe when the leaves dried up he'd stand out. They did - he didn't.
Hope continued to fade. But i thought i was dealing with it pretty well. I had finally stopped crying at work, I even rearranged the cages and borrowed his for Zaphod, using the other for my mantises. I thought that was a big step of moving on (but really I just couldnt stand looking at the empty cage any more.)
Anyway, I still held out hope that one sunny day I would just randomly see some blue peeking out of the dried up bean field.

The farmer finally came and harvested the field a few days ago.

I can't even begin to describe the feeling in my stomach when I saw that tractor in my rear view mirror after work.

It's been several days now. I just can't stop feeling horrible. I'm just going about my daily this or that and suddenly i'll remember. Oh yeah. That happened. And then it just spirals from there, to the other layers of guilt from other pet situations. Doesn't matter where I am, everything makes me think of him. Sigh.

So I guess now I've pretty much officially "lost" him lost him.

I came here tonight to write a nice you know memorial post about how sweet he was and I just can't. The tears..
and just all I keep thinking is the picture - that day, when I took him outside to the cage.. he looked exceptionally gorgeous when we got out into the sun. I actually stopped walking and just held him up a little bit higher out of my shadow and just gazed at him in awe, and said to him "wow. You look amazing today. Just amazing. You are so so beautiful, you know that? Just positively gorgeous." I was just amazed at how much he kept changing and getting more and more strikingly beautiful even though he had become fully grown so long ago.

And I didnt have my phone in my pocket. I thought about going back inside and getting it, to take his picture, to show you guys. But I thought no, don't confuse him going in and out and bug him with the camera, just let him enjoy this nice sunny day like you wanted him to -- you can take his picture tomorrow.

That would have been such a wonderful picture to remember him by.

Maybe some other day I won't be crying so much and can bear to write more personal words about him, especially describing his amazingly sweet personality.

In the meantime, please all of you go tell your chameleons how beautiful and wonderful they are, and hold them one more time and take their picture one more time... for Zelig. and I hope it's not the last.

Yes I do remember you well. I remember a caring, careful, knowledgable keeper who always tried do the very best for your chams.

I feel so bad for you and for what happened. You can look at it like all the other things in our lives. You can put your child in a carseat, do everything to protect the child, from having a well running safe car, to driving safe. But you can never control the rest or the world and nature. The cage blowing over was an accident.please forgive yourself, and don't look at the field so you think the worst. You will never know. Cling to what you do know, you are a keeper who lost a Cham to an act of nature. Maybe preventable maybe not. But you have always given your chams a wonderful life. Remember the goods parts.

That is what I will remember about you, all the fun and good times. I hope some day you feel you can return,

 

[Echoezra]

Ugh. That's two replies I wrote that disappeared. So much for this new app. Lol.
So for a third time...
Thank you all for the kind words and TDC - also the virtual hug. I needed it
Jannb - I can't imagine what you've been going through. And I'm so very sorry for your losses and very sorry I haven't been around to share my condolences as all that was happening.
Laurie - thank you. And I can't go too far, I still have one handsome fella left.
It's just been tough reading through other people's posts, i don't seem to find myself getting engaged and helpful feelings like I used to, just stirring up a bunch of feelings I've been working so hard to cram down the last few weeks, you know?